I’m carrying around an unmistakable feeling of being loved at the moment, for the first time in my life. It feels good to be surrounded by the people who are right for you, who you want to be the best for. Not just my therapist, but of course she plays a huge part.
My therapist, rightly or wrongly… I know she loves me. It’s undeniable. In my work there are a couple of clients I just have an amazing connection with. So I can see it in K and I too. I know how much I mean to her. Every session confirms that. Because in that connection huge progress is being made, week after week.
“I am growing up! I don’t want to grow up!” I play bantered today with her. I’m finally in an attachment that is allowing me to spread my butterfly wings and spreading them I am. The blood is pulsating through them as they uncrumple and stretch out. It’s the little things.
For example, she’s having a mini break next week and I asked her that we don’t have contact through it, despite her offering to keep contact as normal.
I look around her therapy room and there’s bits of me everywhere in it. There’s the canvas I made for her from a photo I took this summer. There’s the card I made her when it was her birthday, the hand drawn front just sat on the shelf. There’s books I’ve donated to her collection. There’s a mini bean bag I picked up for me to have when in her room. There’s my white board and pens tucked under the bookcase. If you opened her cupboard there’s a notebook I got her that’s just for me and her. There’s a massage wax she bought just for me. The DID folder from CPD she did because of my diagnosis…. I could probably go on…..
The reason I say this is because I’m realising that, finally, this is how my attachment is with her. I might not be in the room 24/7, I might not be directly in front of her, but I’m still in her mind, and dare I say it, heart. There’s little bits of me scattered around in her mind and heart. I know it. I feel it. I don’t need her to confirm that.
I think it’s been really helpful having such an influence on her therapy room. I’ve moulded that room in the same way I’ve moulded her as a professional somewhat, and of course, she’s moulded me. The layout in the room is the way it is because I suggested it would be better for the clients..! She still won’t get rid of the mat I dislike though 🤣
It’s just been helpful seeing my attachment to her grow in physical ways through these objects that have slowly collected in her room. Even when I no longer need to step into her room twice a week, I suspect some of those bits and bobs will still be there. And knowing me, probably more besides! Little physical demonstrations of our attachment to help me see that I exist, I matter, regardless of lifes variables.