“You are never too old for a rope swing” a passer by commented as we played. Truly played.
Which is exactly what I needed in our therapy session after the morning. The gruelling morning.
I’m still having visual flashbacks today from having to relay part of my trauma yesterday, but having fun with K has gone a long way to helping me find safety in the world regardless.
So I’m particularly buoyant today. Tired, but buoyant.
“Will you take our contact away at some point” I asked K when we had returned back to the room. Having daily text contact with her is massively helping and I’m just all too aware that at some point that needs to change.
“No” she said. Continuing to massage my hand.
“Why not? We can’t be like this forever. There must come a time where you ask me to stop?”
“No there won’t” she replied.
I was puzzled. K is all for moving forwards, things changing, I couldn’t understand why she was saying that. But knowing K as I do I quickly figured it out.
“Cos it’ll just fade naturally won’t it?”
“Yes” she said. “If we are still like this in 10 years I might be concerned but we are exactly where we need to be right now. I know that at some point our contact will lessen because you’ll have others you’ll turn to instead”.
“But I do chat to others now” I said.
“A significant other” she clarified. That twinkle in her eye.
I’m in the midst of getting to know someone from the dating world quite closely. It’s exciting and I feel a little spark in my stomach when I think about her. We have so much in common it’s quite amazing.
K turned her serious face on then.
“But I really think you need someone who is stable” she said. “You have enough trouble with people as it is, you don’t need someone who isn’t genuine, who doesn’t say what they mean”.
I know exactly what she means. I attract the wrong “type” of person. I always have done. I really am finding so much joy and fun in life and I need someone who can share that with me. Who won’t be under clouds and clouds of shit. I know everyone has their difficulties but basically I don’t need someone like me…. who has a history of drowning in those difficulties.
It might be too much to ask. But I hope not. I really think I deserve my shot at happiness now.
“That was fun” K said. When we walked away from the swing. “If you want to do that again, we can”.
Bless her. She was terrified. But she still did it.
“Now you know what my morning was like” I smiled.