Since hearing the family news I’ve been in unthinkable emotional pain. I haven’t congratulated my sister. Indeed if she wanted me to she would have told me her news herself. If I’m not worthy of messaging directly, which I’m not, of course I’m not, she hates me, then I won’t be pressured to message her a congratulations. It’s got to the point I need to see her as dead to me. Because hanging onto any hope that she might actually soften towards me is only hurting me in the long run.
K called me up on my behaviour today. I sent a passive aggressive message this morning which was quite unlike me. So much so I’d forgotten id even sent it when I’d asked to speak because of being in emotional crisis today. Which is probably why it hit me like a tonne of bricks when she basically said she didn’t appreciate the way I was trying to get something from her, by being passive aggressive. That I know better ways of getting my needs met than that.
I do. But in that moment I lost control. And in the context of how much I’m hurting at the moment, I’m grateful K was challenging enough to shock me into awareness, but not in a way that made me run away from her in defense. Though it was close! My finger hovered over the red disconnect button a bit but I knew to do that was to allow myself to go into full on dangerous crisis and frankly, I didn’t have the energy for that!
She really feels for me at the moment, I know she does.
Whether knowingly or unknowingly she’s trying to help me see that I can use words to explain how I feel and they will have as much impact, in fact more, than the physical wounds I’m causing myself. I described the pain earlier this week in our face to face session as a burning club being repeatedly stabbed through my heart. Her face literally winced at that description and that helped. I know I don’t need to hurt myself to prove I’m in pain. It just helps me feel better to externalise the pain, rightly or wrongly.
Shit is painful at the moment.