It’s not her fault but she’s the only one who cares as if it was!
My therapist and I both ended in tears today. I’ve been actively suicidal. Actively. Usually I manage to keep it to passive, but not this time.
I’ve got so many plans in my head of how I want my life to go now I’m not living in survival mode. Yet I just don’t think they’re achievable. I think I’m in that weird limbo land where I’m well enough to look for what I want, but not well enough to hold onto it. Leaving me getting tasters of things then having to let go and go back to square one.
It’s led to a rollercoaster of emotions, this entire year.
“I’m not strong enough to keep going” I said to K.
“Don’t you ever think you’re not strong enough” she replied, voice cracking. “With everything you have been through, for you to be sat in front of me now, don’t you ever think you aren’t strong enough for anything”.
She continued talking through her tears. Usually her eyes well up and she manages to swallow it down but not this time. She spoke, with the wobbly teary voice us clients know so well.
It made me cry just knowing she believed in me that much. She believes in where I’ve been. She believes in where I’m at. She believes in where I’m going to attempt to go.
I have carried that feeling, of being believed in, for the rest of today. There is no-one in my life who cares as vehemently as K does. No one else literally cries as they sit across from me, seeing the pain in my face, the weakness in my voice. She knows the full extent of what I’ve gone through and what I’ve had to survive.
Of course none of it is her fault, but she really is the only one who cares as if it was. There is great healing in that depth of concern.