I don’t necessarily want to give details but Friday night I went through a traumatic experience and I’m fighting the fallout of that, significantly.
1. I’m annoyed at my friend for putting me into that situation that would have been utterly traumatic for most people.
2. I’m trying to fight the triggers that have come as a result of that. Namely, cars. Even just seeing cars on the road.
3. I’m trying to re-establish boundaries around myself as when you’re put in a situation that violently takes all your boundaries away, it feels hard to collect them all together again.
4. I’m relearning where safety is in this world. Around people, but even by myself. Taking steps somewhere and just constantly assessing how it feels.
5. I’m trying to stop my mind from catastrophising, believing this is step 1 to breakdown part II.
I’m mostly just trying to remember the adult I was before I got so horrifically triggered and retraumatised. I’m trying to grow into my feet again and remember that I can stand tall, I can protect myself, I can feel empowered again.
I managed to succeed in all that yesterday thanks to my therapist, gardening, yoga and a dog walk. My biggest problem once I’m triggered badly into PTSD like this is every single morning is a new day and it’s the same fight, all over again. I’ve got to work through all those points all over again. Which is devastating when I was in such a good place just two weeks ago, feeling next to no anxiety at all. To have it back feels like a kick in the bollocks at a time of year I’m already punished enough for being me.
But – it is what it is. I am who I am. I’m trying to boost my compassion towards myself, again. I’m trying to believe I’m worth the gentleness, the warmth and the self love. When I’m able to do that it helps. It feels like I’ve just wrapped my quivering muscles and burning mind in a soothing blanket. So here we go.
I’m worth it. I’m amazing to have got to where I’ve got in life so far. I choose to sit and appreciate that, instead of constantly demanding I do more and more and more.