it’s been a while

Well, does anyone remember me?

Hi!

It’s been a really long time. For me, anyway. A month in fact! Last time I was here I’d not long gone through the traumatic experience of December 2020 and I’m happy to say it actually didn’t hit me as hard as I was worried it might. I picked myself up quite fast actually. Testament to my general good mental health now.

I’m in a very good place. Well, except for the fact I have the time to write this because I am on good old Self Isolation… I am generally doing really, really well. I’m not sure whether I’ll continue writing on here or not.. I mostly wanted to pop by and say Hi! And I really hope you are all doing as okay as you can be given the continued state of the world.

If I was to continue writing here I could talk about the developments in my life. I broke up with my girlfriend as she was heinously passive aggressive which is the one trait I absolutely cannot tolerate in my relationships anymore. I think we have all sported the passive aggressive stripes at some point in our lives but I’m well past that now and frankly, we’re all allowed that one thing that we just won’t tolerate and for me, that’s it. I am however in contact with a guy. My last two relationships (both girls) has put me off being with a girl, despite doing the hard part and coming out as gay. Too much hassle. I’m going back to men!

It’s taking me some getting used to, conversation with a guy again. There’s so much more sex talk already it initially threw me. But as my therapist said to me on one of our walk and talks – “you are an amazing and sexual being” – I probably blushed because being called amazing is bad enough, let alone being called a sexual being too – but that is what I hold onto in conversation with this guy. I am an adult, I am a sexual being, and I can either engage in a conversation or lay down a boundary somehow. I have the right to do both.

I’ve practiced laying down a boundary twice. Mostly just because I need to get some practice there! The fascinating thing is there was no drama that came out of me doing so. No guilt tripping, no punishing, no negativity at all. It felt really empowering.

Talking of empowering – my ex therapist is now entirely out of my life. I unblocked her, asked her to send my stuff she had, received it in the post, and blocked her again. With my stuff she sent me a note. I can’t remember what it said now. I read it once, skimming it mostly, then threw it away. Unfortunately she still pops up in my dreams now and then. I mean she would, after 7 years of daily contact. I have enough distance from her now though to really see how much better I am without her. I never get the urge to speak to her, or have any contact with her. In fact the thought makes me feel quite anxious. I decided not to report her officially. Doing that would have delayed me just getting on with my life as it is now. She can’t give me back all the time and money I wasted, so there is very little point trying to get formal recognition of her enormous fuck up.

K is still a big part of my life but in a different way. I’m not sure whether it’s because we’re now walking and talking instead of having sessions in a therapy room; but she’s become less therapist and more just general cheerleader. I’m mostly figuring shit out for myself at this point. Mostly. We’re considering integration now between myself and my remaining 2 alters. Not a formal arrangement by any stretch it is just where I’d like us to go. Made a bit more complicated by the fact one of my alters has made a really good friendship with my best friend. They play together, paint together, talk together, have a laugh together and I know at some point I need to say to my friend that one day it will “just” be me in my head, as a blended mix. There will be no separation of parts, hopefully. They’re doing okay as they are. It’s still relatively early days but it’s in my mind as a “to do” on the therapy list.

K let me know on our walk and talk new years eve that I am her biggest achievement of 2020 which felt somewhat lovely to be singled out. We have updated our goals for 2021 and got a new focus. This year is about going places together, to face my anxieties, and eating together. Much more practical things, rather than untangling emotional difficulties. I’ve never felt closer to her than I do now. My attachment to her is in such a good secure place and has been for a while now. My attachment strains are, touch wood, a thing of the past. We still have frequent contact but I am not feeling tormented by what she isn’t to me finally. The whole why can’t you be my mum thing seems to have lifted. What is left is that sometimes I just need a little bit more than other times to keep the connection feeling stable.

Well, that’ll do for now. I’m not even sure if anyone will be reading this still! This just touches the surface of current developments but it’s a start 🙂

2 thoughts on “it’s been a while

  1. Walk and talk therapy is great, isn’t it? What a lovely want to end the year, with words like that. So nice to hear of your deepened attachment, it’s a nice place to be for you.

    Like

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