My therapist used the “l” word today. Love. Yet, I feel no different.
It’s been a long time since I’ve craved K using the L word with me. I came to the conclusion a long time ago that she doesn’t need to tell me that she loves me, I just know that she does from her behaviour. I wrote her an email saying as much! I know you love me, I wrote. I know from everything you do for me, from your dedication, and the way you are around me. I think a part of me was still hoping that in response to that email she’d just finally bloody say it. But she didn’t! I probably rolled my eyes at her absolute dedication to staying in her therapist mindset and just moved on.
Today though, well, it’s been a rough few days for me. Unrelenting shite being thrown my way day after day after day. I was just emotionally exhausted this afternoon and in very clingy mode towards K by text. After support giving, she then said it, and I did a double take. Did she really just say that?? Yes. So I put my phone down and went to sleep. Kindness isn’t something I take in very easily. I wasn’t able to pick up my phone again to process it until 2 hours had passed. Even now I’m not sure what to say. I am torn between the “OMG DID YOU MEAN THAT” or “OMG YOU JUST SAID IT” or a quiet smile to myself that I was right all along 😉
The point of this post though is to say – I do not feel any different. I do not feel any more loved or cared about because she used those words. Love truly ISN’T just saying those words. In fact, just saying those words isn’t love! With K, I know she loves me because:
- She is nearly ALWAYS on time
- She never cancels unless in really extenuating circumstances
- She is SO flexible with my appointments, particularly in a pandemic
- She offers daily contact if I genuinely need it
- She inserts little physical challenges into our sessions when she knows I have the skills to cope with them e.g. eating in front of her
- She remembers things I’ve said YEARS back so tracks my progress very closely
- She asks me to eat and drink when I’m resisting it
- She offers physical contact and now has got to the point of just giving physical contact
- and more, that are more personal so I don’t want to necessarily share on here.
So I guess I stand by my conclusion from before. I know she loves me, because she said it. But I already knew before. And knowing before is a LOT more powerful than knowing now.