Alone

I think I need a support group or something I said. Not necessarily therapeutic, just a way to make true connections with people who are also family-less like me. It’s just a way to feel less alone when you have no safe family to speak of. Nobody rounds here gets it. Everyone around here is so lucky.

With my bio mother turning abusive towards me again I’ve become a trauma-soaked and DID splitting survivor again. Honestly, my life has become CHAOTIC. I ended up in flashback last week. I called K and thankfully she picked up. She talked me down from bashing up my kitchen and got me back on solid ground. I haven’t experienced a flashback to that degree for years. And that was before my mother was the threatening sadistic **** she can still be. I got that treat Sunday morning.

Ok. K said. I’ll do it. I’ll do it for you.

Well, just think about it. I said. It just would help me exponentially to know I’m not the only one in this awful hell. It would need to be moderated a bit because it could become quite unhealthy really, with people just triggering others. But it has the potential to really unite a group of survivors who seem to have got the raw end of the deal. They literally have no kind family to speak of. Not even an aunt who helped. A nan who was safe to go to.

How she would set the requirements for being invited to the group I’m not sure. She’s going to speak to her colleagues about it and see what can be done. Ultimately I just need a break from watching everyone around me family it up at the moment. The grief has been immense.

I have a sister who because I’ve stood up to the perpetrators of my abuse wants nothing to do with me.

I have a father who was abusive and who we are losing to dementia.

I have a mother who is horrendous. Just horrendous.

That’s it.

I don’t have any other family. Above nor below me.

So I’m ridiculously isolated.

I have friends that are family but it isn’t the same. It’ll never be the same.

I hope K can pull something together. I’m itching to feel understood by people who truly understand. I can’t take K convincing me anymore that it doesn’t matter who you have in your life, what matters is who you are. It’s really easy to say that when your family is multi generational and involves two family names. She has it all and it’s really difficult sometimes to accept any sort of placating from her with regards to this subject without wanting to shout “you haven’t a clue, you’re just about the luckiest person alive!”

2 thoughts on “Alone

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