It’s a dream

I have basically won the lottery of life and my mind isn’t totally sure what to do with this information. My life is never going to be the same again. I woke up this morning with my old life, took a phone call, and now… now it’s a totally new life coming my way.

“I can’t process this” I have been saying all day. Good shit like this doesn’t happen to me. It never has. I have no idea how to process something as blessed as this.

“Just sit in it” my therapist says. “This is just a tiny bit of what you deserve”.

I deserve.

I struggle with that notion, it’s true. Do I DESERVE goodness and fortune? What makes me deserve that? Because I’m human? Because I’m a GOOD human? Because I’ve been through such shite? All of the above?

My whole perspective on life has had to change in these last 12 hours. I had given up on life a month or so ago. I’d planned a holiday with my soul dog and then I was going to die. My therapist knew. Not because I wanted her to talk me out of it. But because I wanted her to know, I wanted her to be able to get the closure from our work together, I didn’t want to just suddenly leave and have a shocking impact on her life. Selfishly, I also didn’t want to be alone in my thoughts.

I gave life one last push. I reached out to a family member I’d been estranged from for a very long time. I allowed that to be my guide. If it went well, I’d live. If it didn’t, I’d die. That is just how my brain is wired really. Good stuff happens, we live. Bad stuff, well, we could always die? It went well. I realised something about the dynamics of the family that has enabled me to massively change my role in it. Plus, I’m an auntie now. My nephew will have me in his life because that is what HE deserves. I’ve got a pile of presents upstairs waiting for him and he will always be welcome here.

So the plans to die scuttled away about as fast as they appeared. “I’m so happy you’re back” K hugged me. Life felt liveable again. And now, after the news this morning, life is more than liveable. It’s a dream.

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