It had been a while since I’d had a complete attachment meltdown. This was one of those monumental ones where I end up telling K that I give up, blocking her, and vowing to never see her again. When I know full well that’ll change by tomorrow!
It did change by “tomorrow”. By 9.30 the next morning I was on the phone to K begging her to not leave because of my behaviour. Begging her to not absolutely hate my guts.
In session this afternoon we examined more of how things went so drastically wrong with my ex therapist, especially in situations like attention crises. And K told me something that completely blew my mind.
“I would never put my stuff on you. You’re entitled to feel how you feel, be cross at me, be sad, be mad, be frustrated. It isn’t my place to put my emotions about that on you”.
I was honestly speechless. So all those times my ex therapist would put her crap on me. All those times she would emotionally react to me emotionally reacting….. Well no wonder we blew up on each other! Who was the therapist?
The attachment meltdowns are likely to become a bit more frequent now we’re going into the time of year I loathe. In this last crisis I’d texted K in obvious attachment distress, to which she said “what can we do?” and I came back with “nothing”. So when I then asked why she was doing nothing she said because I said there was nothing she could do.
I just patted myself on the head when I re read the messages today in session. It’s such a jumble of emotions when I’m in it. A mess of very young vulnerability. My poor brain I said, as I gave it a little pat. Nothing makes sense when you’re in attachment meltdown does it? Which is why, K said today, she was unable to give anything but acknowledge where I was.
“I knew in that moment you hated the situation, I knew whatever I said or did wouldn’t have been enough”.
I mean I’d like to think something would have been enough. It was the end of session and I knew I was going to have to just be brave and ask it outright.
“I was essentially being a very little toddler. I was essentially needing to run up to you, check everything was safe, then run off again. I think that would have settled it”.
“Ok so what could I say?”
“That’s the thing. Messaging doesn’t cut it. I would need to actually hear you”.
“Ok so I voicenote? Or phone call? What are you saying?”
I was certain she’d say no. But I had my phone in front of me so I could see the fact we were already over our time.
“I feel like if I could just speak to you on the phone, like the toddler, check everything is safe, then go off again, it would help”.
“Right then that’s what we do” she said, easily.
“I guess I just didn’t think you’d want to do that” I trailed off, smiling inside at her answer, feeling exactly how I needed to feel when in that attachment crisis, seen, heard, cared for.
I bloody hate attachment. It’s exhausting. I’ll leave the “it’s not fair” conversation for another day. Just another broken record in my brain.